Gender Definition
27 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
in all natural, coming out, Gender, gender variant, genderqueer, Words Tags: binary, gender roles, genderbender, otherkin
Again I struggle with it. At work I am mostly female – except when alzheimer’s patients see me, they see a man, but often with other ugly ties to it as well…LOL.
Anyway, at home I feel genderfull – in that my behaviors cannot be dictated by gender and my interests are not dictated by the gender I choose to be presenting as. My gender is just that, its a gender, not binary but instead more like a range. I just don’t get the binary, its confusing to me. That is what makes me GenderQueer. Even transwoman and transmen are confusing to me because many of them leave behind things they loved as their born gender when they transition to the gender that makes them more comfortable. If that works for them, its all good, but for me, it just doesn’t work. I feel like gender should not exist, at all, in our world. Don’t judge me based on my gender and the more you do, the more angry and frustrated I get. Even if your assuming things because I sometimes identify as a transman, who the fuck are you to assume that I am this or that because I show a desire to be more masculine! How dare you assume because I have tits I can’t lift something heavy, how dare you assume that because I am a transman that I cannot make pretty crafts from flowers!! What the hell is wrong with this world?? Why does gender dictate what you do, how you relate to people, and what your interested in?? *sigh* Okay I am ranting….
Recently I have found myself deep in the Otherkin community that just totally embraces that and just accepts whatever you say, no judging bullshit. It’s nice and I am enjoying it. Especially about my gender. But occasionally I must stick my head out to the rest of the world and say, “Fuck your Binary, take it and shove it up your Arse!! and then shit it out with the rest of the shit that’s coming from your mouth. ” LMFAO!
Ok, thanks for letting me express that moment of frustration… In good news I have totally embraced all that is me, boy, girl and everything in between. I wear my binder, sometimes. I wear pink and flowers, sometimes. I hold the door open for a girl, sometimes. I plant flowers in my garden, sometimes. So when my father – in – law said to me, “Well if you wanna be a man you gotta learn to use tools.” I stared at him with this completely stunned look and said, “I can be any kind of man I want to be, I don’t like tools. I work on computers with little tools, but it bothers my carpel tunnel, therefore I hate tools. That’s who I am, regardless of gender.” He just shook his head and we turned to the women discussing health, end of conversation. Good for me for standing up for myself! He later stated something like, “Well sometimes men just have to do things they don’t want to do.” (referring to me not wanting to cut the grass) and I said, “Yah that’s true but sometimes I’d rather some boy did it for me. ” I smiled and again the conversation ended.
I don’t even fuck binary people…. LMFAO! Binary is scary stuff to me and way to boring!
The Binary
03 Feb 2012 9 Comments
in all natural, coming out, Defining Transgender, Gender, gender variant, genderqueer, GLBT, testerone, Transitioning
So for the past 6 months I was thinking I might be happier if I transitioned to a “man” using either natural methods or injecting Testosterone. I kept hesitating though… it seems to me that hesitation is a warning sign… plus I am old enough to know that the grass isn’t greener on the other side. I kept thinking things like: “But I am not totally a MAN and don’t WANT to be” “I want to be a transman not a MAN” “Would I lose that female sisterhood that seems to be standard if I start taking Testosterone?” “What if I don’t like being a man?’ “What if I don’t like T” and the hesitation goes on and on.
The thing is that as I met, spent time with, and talked to people that had transitioned or were currently in the middle of transitioning… I DIDN’T want what they had. In fact the more I listened to them the more I realized that what they had was the binary and I just don’t like the binary, regardless of what side I am on. I like the middle… I like “transgender” In fact its even a part of my sexuality. I am attracted to “gender benders” and if they go too much to one side I begin to lose interest. I don’t like myself too femme or masculine and frankly I am super attracted to androgyny.
So even though I feel pressure from our world to become part of the binary – I won’t choose! I am a female at work, because to the elderly life is already confusing enough for them. Although I am always happy when someone calls me a “boy” or something like that. It makes me very happy to question their 80 to 100 year old gender roles. I just love that I push their binary buttons… and I hope I continue to do that with others in our world.
I will continue to ask people to use both pronouns, if they care to be compassionate. I still love it when my wife calls me her boyfriend in one conversation and than calls me a lesbian in another. I am a super butch and I like it! I don’t want to transition because I have zero desire for facial hair, baldness, or super sex drives. I want to bend my gender because frankly its the sexiest dam thing I have ever experienced. I will continue to call myself a Genderqueer Transman – cause that is what I am!
Gender and Genitalia
12 Jul 2011 1 Comment
in all natural, coming out, Defining Transgender, Gender, gender variant, genderqueer, GLBT, hormone therapy, natural transition, testerone, Transitioning, Words Tags: Buck Angel, genitalia, transgender, transmen
So in my exploration of gender, dysphoria, transgender, and other gender related issues I have discovered that most people tie their genitalia to their gender. Buck Angel has talked about this in his intellectual talks about transgender issues. This is interesting in that even transpeople often still have this identity. So if you have a vagina and tits, you are assumed to be female and visa versa. But this is understandable since this starts at birth. When someone has a baby the doctor announces the gender immediatly, its part of the tradition and celebration, when the doctor identifies the genitalia. They do it also when giving a pregnant person the ultra sound, often the doctor asks if you want to know the “gender” of your child. Again, this is how it all begins. Then later as that child grows parents make it clear that due to their genitalia they are to play with certain toys, participate in social activities a certain way, wear certain clothes, and so on. Now I believe that female bodied people behaving more masculine have it easier than the male bodied people behaving more feminine have it. A female bodied person is referred to as a tom boy if they play with “boys toys” and wear “boys clothes” and maybe they don’t like dresses. But a male bodied person is often called a sissy or other words that I don’t think I need to be clear about on a blog. The thing is….I feel like I am male bodied person whom is sometimes a sissy and sometimes a tom boy. But I am actually a female bodied person at this time.
Anyway, because of my feelings I will likely take Testosterone in the future and eventually have my breasts removed. This will help me feel better about myself and my social interactions with the world. But for now…until I can get all the doctors and so forth lined up I must endure that everyone will assume I am simply a “tom boy” This is often annoying to me and frankly I find it offensive that due to be genitalia I have been assigned as female. Why does our genitalia have so much to do with our gender. Even the words are related.
When I was listening to Buck Angel talk about gender an so forth and how he explained that genitalia and gender are not related it all just clicked for me. That’s exactly how I feel. Is this because both Buck and I have pornography in common, we have both been in numerous adult films…. does this experience help us seperate our genitalia from our gender somehow? If we can do that maybe we can help other transpeople with their own dysphoria. Frankly I think it would be a happier life to be at peace with all of your body, right? Maybe Buck can change the world like his wife believes… either way I know he has changed my life! I KNOW that taking T and removing my breasts will be needed in order for me to live a filled and happy life – and that my vagina won’t be anyone’s business but me and my partner. 
My breasts have always been simply baby feeding bags, that are outdated and in the way. My child is now 18yo. They are NOT sexual organs to me and never have been.
Anyway, this is just my random thoughts on gender and genitalia…so for now this is how I view things.
Life’s Transitions…
24 Jun 2011 2 Comments
in all natural, coming out, Defining Transgender, Gender, gender variant, genderqueer, hormone therapy, natural transition, testerone, Transitioning Tags: Buck Angel, ftm, gender, Gender Outlaw, gender variant, genderqueer, Questioning, transgender, Transgendered, transitioning
So first of all, I finally found the time to finish, “The Gender Outlaw” book and was very pleased with everything the person in it had to say. I have been struggling with having to “choose” for the past 2 years. I have also become pretty active about reading and researching more of the emotional/psychological side of transitioning. I will say that I don’t want to CHOOSE a gender and frankly I feel like people should not assume what my gender to be when they meet me. BUT I also know that I can’t change the world and often radical ideas and social changes are brought on by radical changes and people. So anyway I do struggle daily in the world – because all people assume I am female – mainly because I am overweight, have large boobs, and my voice sounds like what they define as female. This fact drives me crazy and frankly I find it offensive and annoying – which is why, from my understanding, why many transgender people choose to alter their bodies. I think the part I don’t like about the people “altering” their bodies is that many of them, especially FTMs, just disappear into the distance – ashamed of their vagina – and doing all they can to hide it. Recently, I have been paying more attention to Buck Angel and Ian Harvie. They have both inspired me, not only to work on body building in order to look more masculine but to even consider taking hormones. Let me offer you a little background about me.
7 years ago I met 2 FTM people. One of them I assumed had a penis until he informed me otherwise, and he did so in private. We were part of a large community and I was just beginning to question gender and explore the transgendered world. The passing transitioned FTM was a great guy and I love him dearly – but I found that he would barely talk about being transgendered and wouldn’t allow me to see him totally naked, even though he would engage with me sexually. He was also ashamed of his vagina and live a very secret, closeted, and private life. No one knew he was FTM unless you were considering going to bed with him. Then there was another FTM – that I met in this same community – when I met him he wasn’t on T and he certainly had huge breasts. He at least was open enough to talk about the process of transitioning and even welcomed me to talk more about it with him. When we had a sexual encounter I found that again – he was incredibly ashamed of his vagina, on or off Testosterone… Neither of them will do penetration or even oral!! These sexual facts were enough for me to step back and question AGAIN if I was transgendered at all – I don’t identify with this shame or hatred of my genitalia! THEN how do you bring this up with others without embarrassing them into a closet? Anyway as time passed I would meet more and more transmen that ALL preferred anal sex over vagina sex, and frankly preferred if you didn’t touch their genitalia at all!!
Ok, so I am a sexual person and frankly I just can’t imagine getting rid of my vagina! Even if there was surgery, as good as the MTF genitalia surgery I WOULD NOT do it. But as I looked at pictures of Buck Angel NAKED I was very attracted to his “cunt” as he calls it! What he had was EXACTLY what I identify with and I immediately began to question my choices about transitioning. And Now that I am watching and listening to what Buck and Ian have to say about transitioning, gender, and sexuality – I am again considering transitioning.
For certain though, for now… I am losing 2lbs a week in order to slim down and hopefully help my body appear more masculine. I am bodybuilding and doing cardio…
Also, I am waiting to start my nursing training so that I can begin that, so either way I have no way to financially afford to transition… but in the meantime I can lose weight, body build, and consider my options…
International Women’s day
08 Mar 2011 3 Comments
in all natural, Defining Transgender, Gender, gender variant, genderqueer, GLBT, hormone therapy, Uncategorized Tags: gender, genderqueer, inequality, international women's day
Yet ANOTHER reason I don’t want to choose… It seems to be that the pressure to choose actually forces us into the inequality of gender throughout our world. In fact, many mtf transpeople struggle with stepping down into the tough world of being a woman. You can find this in their books and in honest conversations with them. They even have to learn how to be less aggressive and not so strong….Now for the ftm transpeople that I know they just seem to disapear in the power of being a man, and often hide their gender bending personality, even though most of them still have vaginas and expect to be included in women’s activities, simply because they might be treated LESS like a man… Now what does that mean?? As I find myself in an office job I know EXACTLY what that means as I stand between being a man and a woman!
Women are for sure seen as the weaker gender, needier, less stable, less consistent, less strong, less aggressive, and so on. Women have to work twice as hard to prove themselves to …… MEN! What the fuck???!!!! This type of stuff makes me angry as I believe the only way to live is in equality and that your genitalia should have nothing to do with what people expect from you.
So this leads me to transitioning which again leads me to refuse to CHOOSE a gender. Although society usually chooses one for me… I refuse to choose one. Choosing one only adds to the inequality of gender. Why does it matter? Why should I choose, if choosing will only have you expect certain things from me… but what if I fail as a man… what if I cry because I am frustrated… what if I am weak, what if I like purple or pink, what if I like flowers!!! But if I choose woman the same things happen… what if I like fishing, what if I like to wear mens clothes, what if am strong, what if I like women?? So all of this leads me to the same place, why oh why does GENDER have ANYTHING to do with what you expect from me??
So to International women’s day…. well part of me is a woman and I cannot transition because I feel as though I am backstabbing the women out there fighting for equality…you don’t see men out there fighting for it… LOL! So does that make me a woman, because I am joining the fight for equality? I am sure there are some men joining up in this fight, but the majority of them only pretend to really care. But from their point of view women are treated fairly, and infact are babied and “taken care of”. Infact, many of them believe that THEY are treated unfairly because they are EXPECTED to be strong, tough, and not show emotion. This whole inequality thing is fascinating, isn’t it??
So if both sides of the gender feel like they are being treated unfairly… WHY DO WE HAVE GENDER?? Let’s just get rid of it…throw it out the dam window and let’s get on with life. I WISH it was that simple, but instead there are a lot of men and women out there that just aren’t comfortable with changes like that…likely because they wouldn’t know what to do with THEMSELVES!!
Either way, I still desire to join the women in their fight for equality as it could be a step towards total equality and the eradication of gender all together. Although, I am not sure this is the way its more than my genderqueers and transgender friends are doing. I know there is a transgender day, but they are fighting for the rights to transition and that insurance will cover their sex change costs and other related rights. Although I do think if someone insists on getting a sex change they should be able to get it I still think there needs to be a revolution for the eradication of all gender. True equality will happen when there is no gender to choose.
You must admit that you would be interested in finding out how many people still choose to transition if there was no such thing as gender…would it be necessary. And who is sick…Gender Neutral people or society?? I feel like I am out fighting this battle on my own, no groups, no activist movements, no genderqueer day, no mentors….just me waving my hands and saying “hey wait a minute- that’s not what we want either” to the transgender community that continues to subscribe to the gender inequality, even though they don’t fit into it either…but they keep trying!!
So how do you feel…do I still participate in women only activities? Do I miss out on these social events because I don’t completely subscribe to being a woman… or do I just enjoy both men/women? Think I could get a genderqueer group going in this city??? Hmmmm….
Closeted?!
11 Feb 2011 4 Comments
in coming out, Gender, gender variant, genderqueer, Transitioning, Uncategorized Tags: gender, gender neutral, Gender Outlaw, gender variant, genderqueer, transgender, transitioning
So as I explore the gender spectrum and find my place inside it… I have been asking myself why some transitioned or transitioning people make me uncomfortable. Besides the obvious that they often assume I must choose one of the binary but also it just seems to me that they are in the closet. Often they want to pass as whatever gender they have become and they try to hide whatever gender they were in the past. But often, after a few years as their new gender they realize that they are both and neither gender, therefore, they are still not fitting into the rigid binary system. So my issue isn’t with the person, it’s actually with the system itself.
The system has forced these people into one side or the other, even the therapy. They therapy itself tells them to make up stories about being the child of their new sex/gender. I have also explored the transgender groups and conferences in my area and have found again that they talk a lot about transitioning and say nothing or very little about dual or neutral gendered people. Again, they are submitting to the binary system of gender. I just can’t do it and instead I just want to help people understand why sex and gender are seperate and explore finding a name and pronouns for the other genders in our society. If a 3rd and 4th or even 5th gender were introduced in our society I would be interested to find out how many people would still transition.
I have found the book “Gender Outlaw- On Men, Women, and The Rest of Us” by Kate Bornstein ” to be right on mark about gender and the rest of it.
Natural Body Transformation
06 Nov 2010 5 Comments
in all natural, coming out, Gender, gender variant, genderqueer, GLBT, hormone therapy, natural transition, testerone, Transitioning, Uncategorized Tags: body shaping, genderqueer, hormones, natural, organic, real, trannie, trans, transformation, transgender, transman, transwoman, working out
For me, the Testosterone is not an option. It goes against everything I believe in for myself… I don’t even take prescription medications – I only eat organic foods and am a vegetarian – I make all my own medicines – use all natural soaps all over my house. So for me, Testosterone is trying to control nature, something I just can’t do. I don’t do it in my garden, in fact I depend on nature to take good care of my crops so I don’t have to spray or fertilize with anything other than natural fertilizers. This theory that taking gender hormones is “controlling nature” is not meant to pass any judgement on people that choose it for themselves, but for me it would be morally wrong to take the hormones. I can’t change what nature gave me with something that a human has designed, I just don’t have enough respect for humans. Anyway off my environmentalist tree hugging box and back on to gender issues.
For me, it would be okay to work out or find a job/hobby that would help shape my body in a way that would present who I really am. For me, I am something in between male and female, maybe including both. So I pursue all sorts of life changes including food changes, such as I haven’t eaten fast food in 2+ years. I took meat from my diet and its all whole grains… I try to be more active and try to find comfort in moving my body.
Before I became comfortable with my gender I ate everything in sight, and a lot of it. I pursued fast food about 3-4x’s a week or more. I had an insatiable sweet tooth and I rarely ate fruits or vegetables. I had the typical american diet. I hated moving my body and I smoked…. It was like I was doing everything I could to hurt my body. Including having a risky non respectful sex life. I was so disassociated with my body that I didn’t even know when I hurt it. Of course, when I was in therapy a lot of this was dealt with… and I am still working on staying connected to my body. My body was very fem and I never really noticed. I dressed for the situation, sometimes masculine sometimes femme, depending on what I thought was expected at the time. But I was never reflecting the real me and I often felt like I wore a mask. Here’s a photo from the “before” me:
At my heaviest weight.
This is me just before I discovered who I really was...
Then some time passed and my partner encouraged me to be whoever I was, even if that meant being a man. She encouraged me to explore and try a little of everything I had a desire to. I cut my hair and got in touch with my body. I quit smoking, I changed my clothing style, I stopped wearing bras, I wore men’s underwear, I changed my food habits. I lost 50lbs after I gained 30lbs quitting smoking. Today I continue to lose weight, slowly and work on the reshaping my body. Slowly, as I didn’t gain this extra baggage in just a few years, it took me 10 years to gain it all. I am changing my lifestyle one piece at a time. Learning to enjoy moving my body and changing my lifestyle to include this desire has been tough, but I am working on it. Here is how I look today: (I am not bound here, but when I am I am more passable)
With a more reflection of me, now just to work on losing more weight.
So I just thought that some of you might be able to relate to the being dissasociated and TRYING to be a certain gender as chosen by society or our parents. Most people today, that knew me before, say that I carry myself more comfortable and I seem more “real” – Which I think is interesting. Let’s hope in another year or so as I pursue jobs that require me to move my body all day long I will begin to slim down even more. Currently, I am waiting to get all the paperwork resolved so that I can start a “on my feet” job and leave this “on my ass” job. I also plan to walk to and from work, 2 miles one way.
Processing Gender
21 Oct 2010 4 Comments
in Defining Transgender, Gender, gender variant, genderqueer, Transitioning Tags: gender dysphoria, genderqueer, queer, transgender, transitioning, variant
I made this blog in order to help me grasp my gender and to help reduce anxiety regarding my gender. Recently I have come to be settled with the idea that I am both. I am both a man and a woman in one person and right now my body appears to be female to most people. I dress in men’s clothes and from the back I might appear as a man. I can bind which will also make me appear male, and sometimes I enjoy that.
At this point in my life I am learning to accept who I am, regardless of how “uncomfortable” I might make people. I also need to be aware of my health and being overweight most of my adult life has been partially tied to my gender confusion. Today though, I am focusing on losing weight and building myself up to look more masculine. I try to work out every day and I will be purchasing a bicycle so that I can ride it to work. I walk my dog, I love hiking, and I want to be a farmer. All these things are activities I didn’t do when I just “pretended” to be a woman – frankly they weren’t good for my image as a woman! I am happy to be slowly increasing my activities in order to build an active life – I know that it won’t happen overnight like if I took hormones…. but I will be much happier with the result.
Just like when you grow tomatoes. You can force them to grow in a greenhouse, use chemical fertilizers, use herbicides and pesticides to take the fast way out…. but the tomatoes that come out the other end are far below in quality than the ones that are grown and tended naturally. I love organic fresh tomatoes and frankly…. I wouldn’t want anything less for my body. So it took me 15 or so years to get my body fat and out of shape, and very femme. It might just take me that long to have a masculine body, hopefully 10 years less. I am 2 years into it and so far when I look at the old photos of me from 2 years ago I am proud!
Slow changes are easier to deal with anyway….
My Gender is Queer
11 Jul 2010 2 Comments
in Defining Transgender, Gender, gender variant, genderqueer, GLBT Tags: butch, gender, gender variance, genderqueer, lesbian, no gender, queer, transgender, variant
Today, on the internet, I was shown a video that randomly pointed out how men and women shower, according to their gender. The woman was concerned with her looks, the type of shampoo, and cleaning the stall. The man was mostly concerned with getting clean and being comfortable. As I watched these “joke” videos I wondered where I fit in, isn’t that how these jokes work? Well anyway I couldn’t identify with ANYTHING the woman did except for using natural type shampoo, as I use castile soap with tea tree oil for my dandruff. Then as I watched the guy I could identify with many of the things he did but still not all of them.
What about the other gender… some call it trans, some call it queer… whatever you want to call it. What about us? I don’t feel comfortable in the presence of men, or women, and not even transmen or transwomen. I just feel like I don’t ever fit in, it just feels that way all the time. I have never met another genderqueer before but I notice that online I identify most with people on GenderFork When I read transgender blogs and articles, although I think they have the right to be who they are, I just don’t identify with them.
I have always felt like I didn’t fit in, but not because I am the other gender… simply because I am some other undefined gender. I am something that doesn’t exist. It seems to me that many other trans people feel like they were always a man or a woman… but for me I have always felt I wasn’t either but I was also both… This undefined gender leaves me lonely.
GenderQueer
26 Apr 2009 1 Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: androgynous, boi, ftm, gender, gender dsyphoria, gender identity, gender queer, genderqueer, GLBT, GLBTQ, menstruation, more than 2 genders, no hormones, no surgery, period, tranny, trannyboi, transgender, two spirited
So most days… I don’t think about my gender. But I notice when my monthly menstruation rolls around it really bugs me. Most days I am fine living at me… an androgynous female bodied individual that feels more like a guy. But when that menstruation happens I begin to almost feel confused, more confused than I do on most days. I try to give myself the space to just allow myself to feel female for those 4-5 days but often I am just uncomfortable with it. I strive to be more comfortable with this natural occurence in my body. I think if I allow myself to seperate menstruation from gender it might just be possible.
Gender has so many layers… so many ins and outs. Its confusing. So my new favorite quote when someone confuses my gender… I say, “I understand your confusion, it confuses me too.”
Our culture needs another gender.
